As it happens to be, this would be why I'm writing at 1:57 in the morning. For a few days now I've been feeling a few different things. For one, I've been feeling the side-effects of being stressed out, without actually experiencing any stress. This is very mind-boggling, I know, but nonetheless it's happening. The second thing is that I've been feeling like something is missing in my life. The problem with this is that I can't tell what it is.
Both situations are unknowns at this point, which puts me in a lockdown. How the hell am I supposed to fix something that is intangible? Therein lies the problem.
I think I need a break. Yes I'm on Spring Break right now, but that doesn't cut it. I need a break from the bullshit, a time to myself to find what the missing piece is.
As I sit writing this, I can't help but wonder where the stress is coming from. I keep dwelling on it, coming up with ideas, then promptly shooting them down. But one idea has stayed. Could it be because I see myself as so much of a failure?
For the people who know me, this may sound a bit silly. I'm in college, supposedly the best years of my life. For many, this would be an achievement in and of itself. But did you know that only 42% of college students will actually graduate?
Considering my past, this shouldn't be a problem for me. I have the willpower to succeed, I don't go out partying, and I'm mildly intellectual. Sounds like a recipe for success -- in theory.
When I came to college, I was expecting to at least have a shot at getting into pharmaceuticals. But as the years are passing by, this dream is being steadily crushed. It all started my Freshman year of course, when my advisor decided he knew my strengths better than I did. It's a long story (not really), but in the end, my GPA was brutally raped. Keep in mind that a pharmaceutical graduate school accepts a 3.4 minimum GPA (usually includes both general and science GPAs). As of now, it seems an impossibility that I could get my GPA any higher than 3.0 by the time that I graduate. Perfect. And, just to make me feel better, my advisor has the nerve to tell me I should "...seriously consider switching [my] major. Something [I] would be better at." This REALLY got me going. A freshman advisor's primary job is to help their students adapt to the college environment, and encourage them to do what they enjoy. I was receiving neither from this man. Oh, did I mention he is the Defensive Coach of the football team? I wonder which he prides most.
Everyone I talked to agrees with me. This man did a piss-poor job scheduling my classes (which he did without my input) and 'advising' me in any way shape or form. And in the long run, he will be the greater cause of my poor GPA, because of what he did to me. It's unfair.
All I want is to have a shot at my dream. It would be totally fine if I fucked it up myself, because then I have no regrets -- I tried my best. But I didn't get that chance; it was decided for me that my dream was too high above my head.
Despite all of this, I am trying my damndest to get my GPA back up, so I can have a shot at my dream. The educational system isn't making it easy for me, but I'm slowly rising. Knowing my luck though, I'll end up at a 3.2 GPA, just out of reach. For this is the fate of my life -- failing just before the finish line.
And that applies to more than just my college life. In fact, I think I know what to fill that gap with. It won't be easy (hell, it may be impossible at this point), but that's the way my life works, and I'm slowly adapting to it. Although I may need some recovery time from my most recent failure, which occured as little as three weeks ago.
Thank God I've been blessed with good looks....
I have to say, my adviser hasn't been the most helpful person but at least she hasn't been negative. I think this guy should get his priorities straight. I hope he's a better football coach than adviser... Of course, DCE was a good enough example of what happens when football meets academics. Everyone gets screwed over. I hope that you can rise above what he did...
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