For the sake of...

Normally I know exactly what I want to write about. Today I'm not so sure. Writing usually comes easy to me; it's always been a great way for me to collect my thoughts. I fear now that the stress I've been accumulating is actually affecting my ability to think. This is a problem.

As it happens to be, this would be why I'm writing at 1:57 in the morning. For a few days now I've been feeling a few different things. For one, I've been feeling the side-effects of being stressed out, without actually experiencing any stress. This is very mind-boggling, I know, but nonetheless it's happening. The second thing is that I've been feeling like something is missing in my life. The problem with this is that I can't tell what it is.

Both situations are unknowns at this point, which puts me in a lockdown. How the hell am I supposed to fix something that is intangible? Therein lies the problem.

I think I need a break. Yes I'm on Spring Break right now, but that doesn't cut it. I need a break from the bullshit, a time to myself to find what the missing piece is.

As I sit writing this, I can't help but wonder where the stress is coming from. I keep dwelling on it, coming up with ideas, then promptly shooting them down. But one idea has stayed. Could it be because I see myself as so much of a failure?

For the people who know me, this may sound a bit silly. I'm in college, supposedly the best years of my life. For many, this would be an achievement in and of itself. But did you know that only 42% of college students will actually graduate?

Considering my past, this shouldn't be a problem for me. I have the willpower to succeed, I don't go out partying, and I'm mildly intellectual. Sounds like a recipe for success -- in theory.

When I came to college, I was expecting to at least have a shot at getting into pharmaceuticals. But as the years are passing by, this dream is being steadily crushed. It all started my Freshman year of course, when my advisor decided he knew my strengths better than I did. It's a long story (not really), but in the end, my GPA was brutally raped. Keep in mind that a pharmaceutical graduate school accepts a 3.4 minimum GPA (usually includes both general and science GPAs). As of now, it seems an impossibility that I could get my GPA any higher than 3.0 by the time that I graduate. Perfect. And, just to make me feel better, my advisor has the nerve to tell me I should "...seriously consider switching [my] major. Something [I] would be better at." This REALLY got me going. A freshman advisor's primary job is to help their students adapt to the college environment, and encourage them to do what they enjoy. I was receiving neither from this man. Oh, did I mention he is the Defensive Coach of the football team? I wonder which he prides most.

Everyone I talked to agrees with me. This man did a piss-poor job scheduling my classes (which he did without my input) and 'advising' me in any way shape or form. And in the long run, he will be the greater cause of my poor GPA, because of what he did to me. It's unfair.

All I want is to have a shot at my dream. It would be totally fine if I fucked it up myself, because then I have no regrets -- I tried my best. But I didn't get that chance; it was decided for me that my dream was too high above my head.

Despite all of this, I am trying my damndest to get my GPA back up, so I can have a shot at my dream. The educational system isn't making it easy for me, but I'm slowly rising. Knowing my luck though, I'll end up at a 3.2 GPA, just out of reach. For this is the fate of my life -- failing just before the finish line.

And that applies to more than just my college life. In fact, I think I know what to fill that gap with. It won't be easy (hell, it may be impossible at this point), but that's the way my life works, and I'm slowly adapting to it. Although I may need some recovery time from my most recent failure, which occured as little as three weeks ago.

Thank God I've been blessed with good looks....

In Your Honor

I guess I'm making it a tradition, much like my facebook status, to use song lyrics as a title. This one is by Foo Fighters. Great song. But unlike my facebook, this title was chosen for a reason.

In my last note I referenced to this aspect of my present which I was 'unhealthily fixating' on. This note pertains to that. In short, this aspect manifested itself recently. Unfortunately I can't give details since this is a public thread (wouldn't want this information to fall into the wrong hands).

Now I've been thinking about this for a while now; pondering, wondering what might come of it. In a split-second decision I decided to act on my musings. I was a wreak; who knew what the future would hold for me. After the fact, it turned out pretty good. I'm glad I acted on impulse and just went with the flow. Hopefully I'll learn to do this more often; by 'this' I mean taking my future in my own hands instead of letting others decide for me. It's a nice change of scenery.

Of course, with this comes a level of uncertainty; and believe me, there's a lot of it. I think my uncertainty at this moment is most comparable to the world -1 in Super Mario Brothers (all you NES fans out there should know what I'm talking about). For those who don't know: in this world, the end takes you back to the beginning, then repeats again and again until you run out of time or die. This is how I feel with the situation I'm in. If I try to take matters into my own hands, I feel like I'll end up back where I started, but if I just coast through without taking the initiative, I'll end up nowhere anyways.

I suppose with this sort of thing it's always best to try your luck, in the offchance that something miraculous happens. But at this point it all seems so futile anyways.

But I'm not gonna let this get the best of me. I'm going to continue putting myself out there, hoping for the circumstance that favors what I'm trying to achieve. But until that time, I'll be sitting on a cloud of uncertainty, waiting patiently for a positive reaction to my endeavors.