Time Flies

Wow it really has been a while since I've even thought about writing something...my last one was written when finals were just around the corner. It seems like a decade ago I was moving home from Whitewater, which is peculiar, because usually (and with regards to the title of this post) people find that time flies. Well, this summer certainly has flown that's for sure, what with Introspect taking up the majority of my time spent over the last few months and all.

I think maybe it feels like so long ago I was in school because of how stressed I was then...finals, drama, and whatever else decided to weigh me down. After I moved back home, things became simpler, and moreso less stressful. And while being a part of the unemployed percentage of central Wisconsin wasn't a happy realization for me, there was nothing else to worry about after it, so overcoming my grief of not finding a job passed quickly.

But, as my previous posts tend to show, I usually only have the motivation to write when something is troubling me, which is why I could never be a professional writer. That point stays true for this post. Alas, something is bothering me. And, like usual, it's an issue of the female variety. But this time I think I dug my own grave, which leaves me with even less comfort than I had in previous times of trouble (which wasn't much I might add).

It all started when Introspect began...actually, it started a little under two weeks ago, very well into the program. We were finally going to start practicing with the dancers after 2 months of practicing separately. This was a big deal, since this was the first time all the parts came together, and Lindsey's work was finally revealed in full. I came into practice thinking I had to make a good impression for all the dancers; I didn't want to seem incompetant. Mostly the band stayed separate from the dancers and vice-versa, which is normal when two groups spend so much time together with only each other. I was no different, straying very little from my bandmates. But one of the dancers challenged my instinct to stay with the familiar group by pressuring me to talk with her and be by her. This was all fine and dandy; I came into this project well prepared for such an event, and I had told myself (and we were constantly reminded) that we were to just be sociable and nothing more. I held to my end of the bargain, and they held to theirs, which was to not hit on the band or impede our progress in any way whatsoever. Well, as the week progressed, I got more comfortable talking with her, and she must have felt the same way with me, because I soon received a friend request from her on facebook. This is all standard for friendly relationships, so nothing to worry about for me. About a week later she got my number and we started texting. Again, completely normal, I text people all the time. But as the show started reeling down to its final days, I started to think about her...about not seeing her every day, about what we had said to each other, etc.

This is the beginning of my downfall -- for after I started to think about it more, I started to realize how much I actually liked her. It wasn't because of the taboo we had been under since the beginning, and it wasn't just looks (I think she is a really pretty girl though). I read back some of her text messages to myself, mostly just the standard, get-to-know-you ones, and I realized that I was actually falling for her as a person. In all honesty, she's the most compatible girl for myself that I've ever had the pleasure of meeting; I feel like I can really be myself around her. After realizing this, I decided to try and play out my role the same way I had before, just to see if there was any returned feelings. And until tonight, I was getting some decently strong vibes, more than average.

But tonight I came to a harsh realization, and I hate myself for it. You see, after I realized I liked her for her, my thoughts were clouded by infatuation. The best way I can explain it was that I was drunk. Not love drunk, I'm better than that, but drunk off my own thoughts. And before this was never a problem, so my body ignored it, choosing pleasure over rationality. Tonight something happened, and I hit reality in free fall at terminal velocity. While we were at Perkins (the entire crew of Introspect went there as a final farewell to everyone we've been getting to know for the past few months), I was sitting by some friends in the band. Then there she was, walking over to our booth. She comes up and looks the guy across from me directly in the eyes and asks for his, and all the other guys at the table's, numbers. This was surprising, but fine, because she already had my number. Later that evening, her and three of her friends were texting these guys very random things pertaining to how they look (all very flattering things, by the way). At the end of the night, they muster up the courage to come to our booth and talk face-to-face with the guys. And as they were talking I sat there, completely ignored, while they all discussed who they thought was hotter and who they wanted to marry. No doubt they were joking, but everybody played along. To recap: for two hours at Perkins, I was surrounded by this awesome girl and her friends, talking to my friends very flirtatiously, while I was left listening and thinking. I was like the seventh wheel on a 6-wheeled truck, just there as a spare in case one of the others blew out. And let me tell you, I've never felt as lonely in my entire life than I did in those moments.

It was at that point that reality hit me, hard and unforgivingly. Yes she acted this way with me weeks before the rest of them (minus the "hot" and the "marriage" stuff), but this was just her personality, and tonight showed me this through crystal-clear glasses. I'm not special. I'm not interesting. I was just the next new face to talk to until the better-looking faces came around. And while her personality is still stunning in my opinion, I can't believe I let myself trip and fall for someone who was merely being nice, courteous. The best way I can describe it is if you meet someone for the first time, and they tell you they like your shoes. Do you think of it as flirtatious, or just small-talk used to get over the awkward introductions? One thing's for sure, I thought of it as the latter at first, but later as the former, and it came back and ate me alive.

So what did I learn from all this? Well, in the future I'm going to be certain that the person I have my eye on has their eye on me too...because too many times in the past I've tried to make lemonade out of nothing more than a packet of sugar, and too many times in the past have I failed. Only Jesus himself can pull that trick off, and I am nothing compared to him. This may make my life a bit more difficult, however. If I build up walls against females in fear that I will get too emotionally involved than they would appreciate, then I will soon find that my life is void of women. The sad truth is, I already am afraid to let them in for that very same reason, unless I get a sliver of hope returned to me from their end. But like I said, too many times in the past has this happened, and too many times have I misjudged that sliver for more than "just friends". This leaves me a very, very lonely man.

He's a Ramblin' Man

Hmm haven't written anything in a while. I better get on that.

So, I've achieved a sort of balance in my life. No drama, yet no excitement either, just living in a state of nirvana at the moment. I can get used to this :D

School is almost done. One more week of classes, then I get to cram for exams. Oddly enough, I'm not feeling the pressure at all; I'm completely confident I will pass. It almost seems unreal that the first half of my college experience is nearing it's completion. And yet here I stand in the wake of it, swallowing my tongue while staring at it, unable to ponder what exactly it is I'm facing. Unfortunately for me, there's a gap just large enough for me to see through, and it's showing a dismal future. Really I'm not looking forward to working a factory, but it seems I have no choice at this point. College needs funding, you know. But alas, this is all a hallucination, because the reality is that no employer within this state would give me a job over the summer; but who in their right mind would? Everyone's trying to grasp that last pinch of their penny so they can later throw it away for something so superficial it makes the entire effort completely pointless. But this is the girth of American economics, is it not?

Anyways, I ramble, and it's much too late for me to be up. I've got a Brewers game to attend to tomorrow. Should be a blast. Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed typing it -- and I did enjoy it. There's something about writing that makes me feel...alive.

A Hole in the Academic System?

Wanna hear a funny story? Chances are I have to take all of my calculus classes over again. Great news. Either my advisor was lying or they changed the rules. But anyways, Calc 3 requires a 'C' or better in Calc 2 to take it. That was the class I absolutely hated last year, the one I studied 8 hours straight before the final for. I got a D overall. But here's the kicker: Calc 2 required a 'C' or better in Calc 1 to advance. I got a C- in Calc 1. Why was I able to take Calc 2 in the first place then unless the rules changed? So therein lies the problem. I'm actually not allowed to take calc 2 over again because A.) I already took it, and B.) my requisite of 'C' or better in Calc 1 isn't satisfied. The rules of taking a class over again say that you need to have a C- or lower. So idk why they're bugging me about the 'already taken this course already' bullshit. Anyways, since my grade in Calc 1 isn't high enough to take Calc 2, I need to retake Calc 1 to retake Calc 2 to get into Calc 3. But when I emailed the head of the math department about it, she suggested that I take the course over the summer at either Madison or Milwaukee. Because she never brought it up, it's assumed that she isn't recommending me to take the courses over again here, most likely because I fell into a hole in the system, so to speak. If I can't retake courses, and I need Calc 3 to graduate, and Calc 3 requires taking courses over again, there's not much more I can do than to try taking it over the summer, or switching my major. I'm still in the process of working things out. If all goes as good as it can get from this point on, I'll be able to take either Calc 1 or 2 over again next semester. Life sucks sometimes :'[

For the sake of...

Normally I know exactly what I want to write about. Today I'm not so sure. Writing usually comes easy to me; it's always been a great way for me to collect my thoughts. I fear now that the stress I've been accumulating is actually affecting my ability to think. This is a problem.

As it happens to be, this would be why I'm writing at 1:57 in the morning. For a few days now I've been feeling a few different things. For one, I've been feeling the side-effects of being stressed out, without actually experiencing any stress. This is very mind-boggling, I know, but nonetheless it's happening. The second thing is that I've been feeling like something is missing in my life. The problem with this is that I can't tell what it is.

Both situations are unknowns at this point, which puts me in a lockdown. How the hell am I supposed to fix something that is intangible? Therein lies the problem.

I think I need a break. Yes I'm on Spring Break right now, but that doesn't cut it. I need a break from the bullshit, a time to myself to find what the missing piece is.

As I sit writing this, I can't help but wonder where the stress is coming from. I keep dwelling on it, coming up with ideas, then promptly shooting them down. But one idea has stayed. Could it be because I see myself as so much of a failure?

For the people who know me, this may sound a bit silly. I'm in college, supposedly the best years of my life. For many, this would be an achievement in and of itself. But did you know that only 42% of college students will actually graduate?

Considering my past, this shouldn't be a problem for me. I have the willpower to succeed, I don't go out partying, and I'm mildly intellectual. Sounds like a recipe for success -- in theory.

When I came to college, I was expecting to at least have a shot at getting into pharmaceuticals. But as the years are passing by, this dream is being steadily crushed. It all started my Freshman year of course, when my advisor decided he knew my strengths better than I did. It's a long story (not really), but in the end, my GPA was brutally raped. Keep in mind that a pharmaceutical graduate school accepts a 3.4 minimum GPA (usually includes both general and science GPAs). As of now, it seems an impossibility that I could get my GPA any higher than 3.0 by the time that I graduate. Perfect. And, just to make me feel better, my advisor has the nerve to tell me I should "...seriously consider switching [my] major. Something [I] would be better at." This REALLY got me going. A freshman advisor's primary job is to help their students adapt to the college environment, and encourage them to do what they enjoy. I was receiving neither from this man. Oh, did I mention he is the Defensive Coach of the football team? I wonder which he prides most.

Everyone I talked to agrees with me. This man did a piss-poor job scheduling my classes (which he did without my input) and 'advising' me in any way shape or form. And in the long run, he will be the greater cause of my poor GPA, because of what he did to me. It's unfair.

All I want is to have a shot at my dream. It would be totally fine if I fucked it up myself, because then I have no regrets -- I tried my best. But I didn't get that chance; it was decided for me that my dream was too high above my head.

Despite all of this, I am trying my damndest to get my GPA back up, so I can have a shot at my dream. The educational system isn't making it easy for me, but I'm slowly rising. Knowing my luck though, I'll end up at a 3.2 GPA, just out of reach. For this is the fate of my life -- failing just before the finish line.

And that applies to more than just my college life. In fact, I think I know what to fill that gap with. It won't be easy (hell, it may be impossible at this point), but that's the way my life works, and I'm slowly adapting to it. Although I may need some recovery time from my most recent failure, which occured as little as three weeks ago.

Thank God I've been blessed with good looks....

In Your Honor

I guess I'm making it a tradition, much like my facebook status, to use song lyrics as a title. This one is by Foo Fighters. Great song. But unlike my facebook, this title was chosen for a reason.

In my last note I referenced to this aspect of my present which I was 'unhealthily fixating' on. This note pertains to that. In short, this aspect manifested itself recently. Unfortunately I can't give details since this is a public thread (wouldn't want this information to fall into the wrong hands).

Now I've been thinking about this for a while now; pondering, wondering what might come of it. In a split-second decision I decided to act on my musings. I was a wreak; who knew what the future would hold for me. After the fact, it turned out pretty good. I'm glad I acted on impulse and just went with the flow. Hopefully I'll learn to do this more often; by 'this' I mean taking my future in my own hands instead of letting others decide for me. It's a nice change of scenery.

Of course, with this comes a level of uncertainty; and believe me, there's a lot of it. I think my uncertainty at this moment is most comparable to the world -1 in Super Mario Brothers (all you NES fans out there should know what I'm talking about). For those who don't know: in this world, the end takes you back to the beginning, then repeats again and again until you run out of time or die. This is how I feel with the situation I'm in. If I try to take matters into my own hands, I feel like I'll end up back where I started, but if I just coast through without taking the initiative, I'll end up nowhere anyways.

I suppose with this sort of thing it's always best to try your luck, in the offchance that something miraculous happens. But at this point it all seems so futile anyways.

But I'm not gonna let this get the best of me. I'm going to continue putting myself out there, hoping for the circumstance that favors what I'm trying to achieve. But until that time, I'll be sitting on a cloud of uncertainty, waiting patiently for a positive reaction to my endeavors.

Well here it goes, here it goes again.

First, I'd like to say hi. This is my first post :]

Anyways, yeah. It's that time of year for me again. A time when I start to think about my past, present and future, then critically analyze myself to see if I'm worth the space I'm taking up. While it never comes down to that, I do like to review myself as a whole to see where I'm at, and where I'd like to go. This is that time.

Now normally around this time I tend to stay on the quiet side, taking in everything I see and hear, but releasing nothing to the public. It's like talking to a wall.

This time it's different.

Now I have this neat little blog-thing to help me organize my thoughts. And reading my thoughts should surely help me finish this process a little faster so I can go back to being my normal, sarcastic, apathetic self. To be honest, I think it's working.

Now if I could only figure out how organic chemistry works....

Anyways, this is the first of many posts you'll see from me. Because, like everyone else, I have shit to deal with. And what better than writing what's bothering me down so others can comment and leave me some sort of morbid support which kinda helps in the short-term, but not really? Exactly, nothing.

Except cake. Too bad it's a lie 0.0

Although my obsession with Portals references doesn't solve anything, it sure as hell makes me feel smart.

So, on to the real meat of the post. I've never been one for introductions anyways. I've been reflecting on myself for about a day now (and unhealthily fixating myself on one aspect of my present which I really hope becomes a permanent reality).  I've been thinking about everything; past relationships, my personality, my school life, my social life, my inner workings, basically how I came to be as I know myself now. This is a topic I find most fascinating. If you really stop and think about it (and I highly encourage you to), there are certain events, or people, in your life which really shape who you are. Try thinking of a few examples for yourself. It's uncanny how one little thing in your past can change you permanently for the better, or even for the worse. Luckily enough, I'm the guy who benefitted from such a situation.

Now keeping this all in mind (no pun intended), I think I finally realize what it is I'm looking for, and thus why I've spent so much time thinking about it. In short, I'm looking for another one of those life-altering experiences, whether it be with someone, or just at some event. I want to be able to look back at this thing and think what I'm thinking now: that I came out of it a better person than I am today. Think of it as my little philosophy. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, really. But the problem is, I'm striving so hard to find it that I'm not allowing the catalyst to enter the equation. And believe me, it's needed. These things take time.

So what do I conclude from all of this? I'm trying to piece it all together myself. But what I've come up with so far is this: I need to stop searching for this fulfillment, because it'll eventually come to me, and when it does, I will be complete. For how long, nobody knows, but complete I shall be.

I leave you now with this little phrase I came up with myself:

Perhaps trying for something is the wrong way about it; it seems the best way is to let it work itself out.

I'm out.